Monday
“There seems to be a lot of accidents,” commented the new guy. “I realize this is an old folks’ home, but it’s not us fogies having the accidents.”
Colin, the ‘New Guy,’ talked with three friends at breakfast. “When was the last time a resident died from an accident?”
The oldest of the group, Al, had been at Silver Palms Village for nine years. “It’s been a while. Max, can you remember a fatal accident?”
Max, who still had a sharp memory for an 80-year-old, thought for a minute. It must have been three, three, and half years ago. Daffodil Showers fell off her balcony. She was so high, I doubt she felt a thing.”
Colin asked, “Daffodil Showers? Was that her real name?”
The fourth member of the breakfast group, Ernie, joined the discussion. “No, her real name was Gladys Mac something, McBice or McRice. She refused to use that name except to endorse checks.”
“Why was she called Daffodil if her name was Gladys?”
“Colin, there are lots of odd stories with the residents here,” Max started telling the story of Gladys. “Gladys was a hippie through and through. Her daddy was killed in Korea when she was a toddler. Once she learned about the loss of life during the various wars, she started questioning America’s involvement around the globe. She started calling herself Daffodil while exploring the country in a VW van in the 60s. You can spot her in photos from protest marches and peace rallies, coast to coast.”
Colin asked, “How did she support herself, selling weed or junk jewelry?”
“New guy, let me finish. Gladys was a trust fund baby, and she didn’t think anything about living and not contributing to society. She never had a job. Her mother’s family made a fortune selling pig parts. There wasn’t a part of the hog that couldn’t be sold. Of course, ham, bacon, pork chops, etc., were the main things sold. But they also sold pig’s feet, pig ears, pig snouts, and tails. They can be found in any pet store.”
Ernie heard enough, “Max, enough of her story. Colin, she was rich, never worked, and did lots of drugs. Even after moving into the penthouse apartment. She was high and fell off the balcony.”
Al now spoke, “I don’ know about you two, but sex with her was amazing.”
“Okay, guys, that’s more than I needed to know. I’ve heard there have been accidental deaths among the staff members for some time. So why is it unsafe for them and not the residents?”
“Ernie, Max, and I have talked about it for some time. It’s just weird luck. You hate to think that anyone died, but those who died weren’t well-liked by the residents. So it’s a bit of good riddance.”
“But why aren’t residents tripping and getting hurt like Darby, the handyman?”
Ernie pointed around the room, “What do you see at every table?”
Colin looked around, “Old people with food spots on their clothes?”
“No, you see walkers at every table. We four can still walk around independently, but we also watch our steps. Those with walkers are careful not to trip. We can’t afford to be cocky, so we are careful. The staff members accidents are happening to those who aren’t paying attention.”
Al added, “Ernie’s right. Let’s talk about Darby. We complained about the ripped carpet for weeks, waiting for him to do something. It was only after he tripped on the rip, hit his head, and died, we found out why he never attempted to fix it.”
“Why was that?”
“Max and Ernie found out he was taking bribes to fix things first. Mrs. Sawless paid him $100 to be moved to the top of the list. It must have been urgent to have a new closet door pull installed.”
Al continued, “I needed the ball cock in the toilet replaced, and he wanted $50; otherwise, I had to wait weeks for him to do a 20-minute job.”
“How did the carpet get ripped in the first place, and why didn’t it get fixed?”
“Darby’s toolbox was heavy and hard to carry. We think he was dragging it one day, and his tools caught a row on the rug, which started the floor to unravel. Then each time he drug that toolbox, it caught the ravel, and finally, the seam came apart.”
Colin shook his head, “I guess it was poetic justice that he died from something he caused.”
Max stood up, “Men, it’s laundry day, and Lucille Tipple is not wearing any underwear. She always gets frisky when there’s a bare bottom, and I’m not wearing any undies myself. See you.”
Ernie was disgusted, “Max, I’m glad I finished my breakfast before you put that image in my head. See you all again tomorrow.”
Tuesday
Colin joined the group late, wondering, “Did you guys hear about the cook in the kitchen?”
“Yes, Max and Ernie were just telling us how she died.”
“As the new guy, I haven’t been included on the grapevine around the building yet. What happened?”
“Ernie, you seem to have the most information. What did happen?”
“Colin, you might not have known, but Jasmine Brown was from Jamaica. You may have seen her dishing out eggs and bacon on the cafeteria line. She stood out for her long dreadlocks. She wasn’t very popular with the residents as she would only give you what she thought you should eat. She thought all of us should only have two pieces of turkey bacon and one scoop of scrambled eggs. And forget about asking for real bacon.”
“Al’s right. She once told me to stop eating hash browns as I was in danger of developing kidney stones; I had only asked for two patties instead of one. And she made very chewy turkey bacon.”
Max joined the conversation, “I may be old, but I like a bowl of Cocoa Puffs or Apple Jacks from time to time. She would never let me have a bowl. And forget about asking for sugar to go with your Cheerios.”
“How did she die?”
“Colin, you are a curious one. Yesterday you were curious about Darby’s death, and now you ask about Jasmine. Do you have some weird fascination with accidental deaths?”
“Max, it’s nothing weird about wondering what happened to a staff member. But, what did happen?”
Ernie spoke up, “She got in the elevator to take breakfast to the second floor for the bedridden. Her dreadlocks got caught in the door, and her head was slammed repeatedly against the door. The nurses from that floor said it was very messy.”
“Oh lord, two head injuries in two days. Let’s pray nothing happens today. I am beginning to wonder if I should have moved in here.”
Al looked at the new guy, “Colin, accidents happen because people aren’t careful. Take me, for example. Did you know that people our age have the highest rate of STDs in the country? That’s why when I visit the Soloman twins this afternoon, I will have a couple pickle mittens. Those girls seem to have lots of visitors, and I don’t want to get the drip in my good wood.”
“Guys, I think I’m going to throw up. See you tomorrow.”
Wednesday
Colin and Max were first to the breakfast table, talking about the accident that took the life of a nurse. “Max, did you know the nurse?”
“I know her because she was a doctor wannabe. She never met a prostate she didn’t want to examine. Nor a hernia to check for. I’m convinced she made me cough ten times just for fun. Although it was nice to have someone her age hold little Max and his sons.”
Ernie and Al arrived with Ernie asking, “What did happen to Nurse Fingerdo?”
“That can’t be her name.”
“Colin, I guess you never met the cold finger of the nurse.”
“Max was telling me she liked to give prostate exams. Is that why you call her Fingerdo?”
“You’re catching on. She once made me strip down because I had a sore throat. Now I don’t mind getting naked with the ladies, but she also had cold hands.”
“Al, did you hear what happened?”
“Yeah, did you know Marion Zipfel? He’s the guy who dyes his hair red, both on top and below. I won’t tell you how I know. Anyway, he says Fingerdo got several globs of Vasoline on the floor and then slipped and hit her head on the corner of a desk and cracked her noggin wide open.”
Colin was curious, “She must have screamed, didn’t anyone hear her?”
Al continued, “The other nurses heard screams but thought she was using two cold fingers searching for a prostate. She wasn’t found until she failed to show up for a training meeting.”
“Guys, I may be new here, but there have been three head injuries that caused deaths. Is this place cursed?”
Ernie spoke up, “Colin, I don’t think there is a curse; it’s just nature’s way of eliminating unlikeable people. I’d bet you haven’t liked everyone you’ve met here. Tell me about one or two.”
“You’re right. Some people just rub you the wrong way. The lawn guy keeps blowing leaves and grass all over my car. It would only take him ten seconds to blow off the car, but no, he leaves every car parked outside covered with debris.
And that yoga instructor, you know, the one with the great can. She won’t let men in her class. What’s she afraid of, men? Maybe that’s why Mindy Hengle is her pet. They seem to be touchy-feely when I watch.”
Max smiled at the new guy, “I don’t like the lawn guy either. We’ve felt that concrete birdbath could be dangerous. Colin, it’s your turn to give us something to talk about tomorrow. See you guys in the morning.”
[Image credit : Photo by Jackson Simmer on Unsplash ]
by 
Dave Larson
Latest posts by Dave Larson (see all)
- The New Guy - August 29, 2022
0 Comments