Chad The Intern

Chad The Intern

June 26, 2022 1 By J. Archer Avary

Geraldine’s wisdom teeth were out. Her brother Chad wanted the codeine to sell at a house party in Council Bluffs. He picked her up from the dentist.
+++++“You’re taking the piss,” said Chad. “I can’t give you half when I’m the one taking all the risk. These people carry knives.”
+++++“What about me?” she was groggy from the anaesthetic. “I’m not suffering in pain for anything less than fifty percent.”
+++++Chad stopped the car. “If you can’t help me then I won’t help you.”
+++++Geraldine didn’t know what to say. Her brother was being a dick, as usual. “Are you kicking me out of your car?”
+++++“I don’t even know if I can sell this stuff,” said Chad. “I’m going to the party with Andrel. He’s got acid for sale. I want to have it on me just in case.”
+++++“Just take the codeine,” said Geraldine. She produced a pharmacy bag from her purse and tossed it on the dashboard. “Have fun pretending to be a drug dealer.”
+++++“I’m not pretending. It’s more like an internship.”
+++++“Mom and dad would be so proud of your career path. First you drop out of college and now you’re Chad the Intern?”
+++++“Tell and I’ll fucking kill you.”
+++++Chad took a codeine before the party, to see what it was like. Andrel picked him up and they crossed the bridge into Council Bluffs.
+++++“I’ve got a sheet of acid, divided into ten-strips,” explained Andrel, as he pulled up in front of the house. “I can front you a couple to sell in ones and twos at the party. Five bucks a hit.”
+++++“What do you think I can get for this codeine?”
+++++“All you got is codeine? I was hoping you might have weed or meth. Shit these people are actually gonna want.”
+++++The house was full of people. Something smelled like Cheetos. Chad followed Andrel upstairs to meet his guy about a sheet of acid. People lounged about on second-hand furniture, smoking cigarettes and having conversations.
+++++“These people look like they could use some LSD,” said Andrel.
+++++Chad mixed and mingled with little success, until he met Belinda. She wanted two hits of acid but didn’t have money.
+++++“I’m willing to barter,” she said.
+++++“The purpose of being a drug dealer is making money,” said Chad. “I can’t be giving my shit away every time some girl offers a hand job.”
+++++“I’m not offering a hand job,” said Belinda. “I want to suck you off. For acid.”
+++++Blowjobs were his weakness. “It’s a deal.”
+++++He gave her two tabs of acid. Little squares of white paper stamped with purple moons. Belinda was excited. She placed the acid on her tongue and put her hands in the air, like she was dancing.
+++++“I’ve never done acid before,” she said. “What’s it supposed to feel like?”
+++++“The visuals are great,” he said. “I took one hit of purple moons and my hands turned into massive pillars of cotton candy.”
+++++“Sounds amazing” she said. “Ready to get your dick sucked?”
+++++“This is weird,” he said. “I don’t even know you.”
+++++“My name’s Belinda and I’m twenty,” she offered a handshake. “My hobbies are roller derby and playing harmonica on street corners.”
+++++“Harmonica is underrated.”
+++++“Can we get this over with?”
+++++Belinda led Chad to the bathroom. The fixtures were from an era when pink toilets were popular. There were lots of mirrors.
+++++“How are we going to do this?”
+++++“Stand up on the toilet so I don’t have to kneel.”
+++++Chad climbed up and took out his cock. There wasn’t much to work with. His penis was small and grey, with the gelatinous, wrinkled texture of dried apricots. It looked like it wanted to hide beneath the overgrown pubic hair.
+++++Belinda tugged on the penis, looking for signs of life. Chad couldn’t feel a thing.
+++++“I was hoping for a little enthusiasm,” she said.
+++++“I need a bit of a jumpstart.”
+++++Belinda took it into her mouth and rolled her tongue around the head. It worked. Warm blood flowed into it and it began to swell.
+++++“That’s good,” he said. “Keep doing that.”
+++++“It’s not responding.”
+++++“Jesus Christ,” he said. He was failing the internship. A strange woman wanted to suck his dick and he couldn’t get it up. “I’m a visual guy. Maybe if you take your tits out, I could rise to the occasion.”
+++++“Only because I feel sorry for you.”
+++++Belinda undressed herself. A ring of lipstick circled Chad’s limp cock. It looked like a sad clown that got kicked out of the circus.
+++++“You’ve got great tits,” he said.
+++++“Thanks,” she said. “And no, you can’t have a feel.”
+++++She rolled her lips over her teeth and tugged on Chad’s shaft. No response. His cock hung there like a deflated balloon. There was no point in continuing.
+++++“It’s not working,” he said. “Probably because I took codeine earlier.”
+++++Belinda covered herself up while Chad tucked himself back into his trousers. It was an awkward situation, kind of like being in an elevator with strangers. There was no way to avoid eye contact other than looking straight up at the ceiling.
+++++“I traded you two hits of acid for a blowjob,” he said. “The way I see it, since you were unable to finish me off, you still owe me a blowjob.”
+++++“I don’t owe you shit,” said Belinda. “It’s not my fault you can’t get it up.”
+++++“Maybe you can meet me for coffee this week,” said Chad. “No, better: you can meet me for lunch at that new taco place. We can have tacos, and then we can go somewhere and you can finish the blowjob.”
+++++“Jesus Christ,” said Belinda. “Tacos and a blowjob. Sounds romantic.”
+++++“I actually like you. We could call it a date,” he said. “You like tacos, right? Give me a chance and you might find I’m not so bad.”
+++++“You make girls suck your dick for drugs,” she said. “Most reasonable people would think you’re a fucking sicko.”
+++++“Most reasonable people would agree you owe me a blowjob,” said Chad. “If you refuse to finish it later, how about you suck off my friend Andrel right now? He’s in the next room.”
+++++It wasn’t about a blowjob anymore. It was about Chad’s integrity. The fantasy of tacos and romance were a distraction. He recalibrated his focus. What would the drug dealer playbook say? He needed to get his money’s worth out of this failed transaction.
+++++Belinda laughed in his face. “You want me to suck your friend’s cock? That’s classic. Yeah, totally. Go get your friend and I’ll suck him off. I’ll even let you watch so you can see what you’re missing.”
+++++Chad left Belinda in the bathroom and went to find Andrel. He was smoking a bowl on the couch with a group of long-haired stoners.
+++++“Dude, I got a situation here.”
+++++“What the hell are you talking about?” said Andrel. “How can you get yourself into a situation with a few hits of acid and some codeine?”
+++++“I met a girl who wants to suck your dick,” said Chad. “She’s ready for it right now in the bathroom.”
+++++“Why don’t you get your own dick sucked?”
+++++“It would really help me out,” pleaded Chad. “Just let her suck you off.”
+++++“Why do I feel like I’m going to regret this?”
+++++The bathroom was empty. Belinda was too smart to stick around. The acid was already in her system, probably kicking in. Andrel sat on the toilet as Chad confessed.
+++++“Chad, you let that girl play you,” he said. “What does the drug dealer playbook say about that? Always get scratch. You know what scratch is?”
+++++“Cash. Real money.”
+++++“What else does the drug dealer playbook say?”
+++++“Never get high on your own supply.”
+++++There was a bizarre quality to that moment. The pink toilet. Belinda. The blowjob. The codeine. Geraldine’s wisdom teeth. These images hung like fog in Chad’s consciousness. So many questions for to ponder. Was he supposed to assign some deeper meaning to all this, or was it just another night in his empty directionless life?
+++++“Look, we appreciate your enthusiasm,” said Andrel. “But we need to deal with the fact that you’re not cut out for drug dealing.”
+++++“You’re terminating my internship?”
+++++“This isn’t the Fortune 500. We don’t have interns. Selling drugs isn’t supposed to be like corporate America with that stupid jargon.”
+++++The codeine hit Chad all at once. It slowed things down, like advancing a VHS tape frame by frame, in zapruderian detail.
+++++“I wasn’t at my best tonight. I’m pretty sure It’s the codeine,”
+++++“Your parents love you. You got book smarts,” said Andrel. “Why don’t you go back to school and get a degree? Get into finance, go live in Hong Kong.”
+++++“Hong Kong,” said Chad. “Jesus Christ.”
+++++Maybe Andrel was right, he should go back to college. Put his nose to the grindstone, as his old man used to say. He knew a college degree was the sensible choice, but something inside him was defective. Chad only made dangerous decisions, guided by impulse alone.
+++++Geraldine was still up when he got home, watching Jerry Springer on cable. She looked like a chipmunk from post-surgical swelling.
+++++“You look like shit,” said Chad. He tossed a blister pack her way. “Have some codeine.”
+++++Geraldine washed down the pills with apple juice.
+++++“Mister big-shot couldn’t move a little codeine,” she said dryly. “Has it ever occurred to you that dealing drugs isn’t for you?”
+++++“The internship is over,” Chad said. “Andrel gave me jargon about how he ‘appreciates my enthusiasm’ but he needs to cut me loose.”
+++++“That’s what they say to someone who’s likeable, but shit at their job.”
+++++“I’ve been made aware.”
+++++Chad sat down on the couch next to his sister. It seemed like forever since the two of them sat down to watch trashy television. He was hit with a wave of nostalgia.
+++++“What’s next for Chad the Intern?”
+++++What a question. He didn’t know. He would handle it like he handled everything else, by winging it. Making up the rules as he goes along.
+++++“Back to school,” he said. “I was shit at dealing drugs, but I might make a good pharmacist.”

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J. Archer Avary

J. Archer Avary (he/him) was born in the USA and now lives in the Northeast of England. Recent work in/forthcoming at Roi Fainéant Press, Many Nice Donkeys, and Fahmidan Journal. The scent of corinthian leather lingers when he exits a room.
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