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Sister Lucy Won’t You Bake Me A Dragon?

“I don’t like it here and I don’t want to be here right now.”
+++++It was always this way.  My sister would call, something would be wrong.  I would drop everything and run to her side.  She would be broken down, collapsed in a puddle of tears or drugs or else her wallet would be lost.  Different things.  But it was always bad, always something that couldn’t be fixed.  Until I got there, at least.
+++++I frowned at her.  “By ‘here’, I assume you mean the Planet Earth?”
+++++“Stop that.  Don’t be mean.”  She was curled in the corner of the couch wearing a little sleeveless dress.  It was a dingy old couch and it needed to be cleaned — or else hauled to the dump.
+++++“Tell me what the problem is, Lucy,” I said.
+++++She sniffed.  “It – it’s hard to explain.  You should just go look in the bathroom.”
+++++“Toilet plugged?”
+++++“Damn it, Joey! Look in the bathtub!”
+++++“Tub backed up?”  She didn’t answer, just huffed and puffed.  After a while I decided to just indulge her and go take a look.
+++++There was what appeared to be a dead guy in the tub.
+++++I went back to the living room.  “Okay,” I said.  “Who is the guy in the tub?  I mean, who was he?”
+++++“I don’t know his name.  He knocked and said he was here to read the water meter.  I opened the door and he stormed in.”  Lucy seemed kind of calm now, given the circumstances.  I don’t know what I was feeling.  The fact was, I had seen worse.
+++++“Okay, then what?”
+++++“He was trying to grab me.  He was hollering something about dragons.  He was crazy, Joey!  He must have been on something!  I don’t think he even knew where he was.”  She sniffed and then wiped her nose with her wrist.  “I ran for the bathroom and he was right behind.  I got the door shut but I couldn’t get it locked.  He busted it open.”
+++++I waited but she didn’t continue.  “Okay, and then what?”
+++++“I hit him.  With the baseball bat, I hit him and he fell into the tub and banged his head against the faucet.  He hasn’t moved.  He’s dead, isn’t he?”  She already knew the answer but I nodded anyway.
+++++“The baseball bat?   You had a baseball bat in the bathroom?”
+++++“I have one in every room,” she said.  I had no response to that.
+++++“Well, I guess we have to deal with it just like before,” I sighed.  “Do you have the bleach and the lye; rubber gloves?  The case of Drano?  At least he is already in the tub.”
+++++She smiled a little smile and got up off the sofa.  “T-thanks, Bro,” she said.  Now she was getting emotional.
+++++I gave her a hug.  “I mean, what’s the big deal?” I said.  “It’s not like you haven’t killed anybody before.”
+++++“I know,” she said.  “But I didn’t even mean to do it this time.  Those hoboes, that guy from the IRS, you know what I mean.  Those things were just kind of meant to happen.  This poor guy . . .” She looked sideways at the hallway which led down to the bathroom.
+++++I snapped the collar on my coat and started back towards the door.  “I have the bag in the trunk of my car; you know, with the bone saw, the plastic sheets and the rest of it.  If you have any pliers you could start pulling his teeth I guess.”
+++++She caught up to me and tugged at the sleeve of my coat.  “No really,” she said.  “Thank you so much.  Who else . . . you know, who else could I call?”  Her voice was taking on a husky tone.
+++++“Why, no one else of course.  We’re family.  We help each other out with little problems like this.”
+++++I took another step but there was something more she wanted to say.  “I have to tell you,” she said with a wicked little smile.
+++++“Yes?”  I waited for it.  I didn’t have to wait long.
+++++“He didn’t exactly just, well . . . he didn’t exactly just bust in.  He wasn’t really talking about dragons, either; I kind of made that up.”
+++++“I see.  Go on.”
+++++“Well, when he was at the door and talking about the water meter; well, you know . . . he kind of looked at me.”
+++++I shook my head.  “Looked at you?  Lucy, then what did you do?  Come on, tell me.”
+++++She giggled.  “Well, I kind of — like this, I kind of flashed my tit at him.  Just a little bit.  Just real quick.  But that’s when he came in.”
+++++I sighed.  “Of course.  Of course he came in then.”
+++++“Just a little, you know.  Just a little of the nipple for him.  Like this,” she said again, and she pulled the sleeveless dress to one side, showing me her small, shapely breast, the nipple hard and brown.
+++++I took a deep breath.  “Lucy,” I said, “we have to get rid of this mess, okay?  Don’t start anything right now.”   She pouted a bit and rubbed her hand slowly over her crotch just one time.  Down, then up.  And then the same, to mine.  It was really close;  I mean it was almost too much.
+++++“Okay,” she whispered.  “Go get your tools and let’s dissolve this problem.  And then . . . and then I will bake you a dragon, a juicy dragon, all just for you.”
+++++Moving quickly, I unlocked the door as I went out.   That way, I would be able to just walk right back in without knocking.