Smile Muriel. You shaved your legs for this guy. You got a fucking Brazilian. He’s cute right? I mean his teeth are super straight which is more than can be said for the last three guys. Good genetics or braces? Maybe he has rich parents. That would be amazing because you still want to go to school. Right? Nursing, maybe psychology. Fuck. My nylon has a run in it. Why didn’t I notice that before I left? Stupid Nikki, I bet she saw it and just kept it to herself. She doesn’t want to lose another roommate to a man and she’s never had a better roommate than me. Who else would plunge the toilet every fucking day? Who else would put up with her donkey-like sex sounds? Heehaw, heehaw. No one else would put up with it. Not this guy that’s for sure. Look at him and his teeth. So. Fucking. White. Typical rich boy. He’d be outta that shit hole in an instant. Look at the way he runs his fingers through his hair, it’s like he’s been practicing. He’s wearing pomade. Gross. His fingers left grooves in his hair, like someone’s been skiing down his head. Pomade is definitely a problem, but it’s not a deal breaker. It could be phased out easy enough. His fingers are really clean despite the greasy pomade. He must have a cushy job, another plus.
God damn my crotch is itchy. Who the fuck gets Brazilians? He’d better appreciate it. Ha! Listen to me, I’m talking like it’s already a done deal. And he does go on. Ryan Sampson. Second year law school, two brothers, father remarried twice, living with his new wife in a big mansion on the Bridal Path. Very nice. Law school could be a problem. But again not a deal breaker, an easy out potentially. People have personal revelations all the time. A breakdown maybe? The overwhelming urge to see the world on Daddy’s dime? The world is so big and you’ve seen so little of it Ryan darling. Argentina with the brothers once, Bermuda for your best friend’s wedding, England on exchange in high school, but you didn’t leave London, too busy getting drunk and feasting on British pussy.
Keep that smile bright Muriel. Don’t worry about all his yapping, you’re good at listening, just let him talk all he wants. Focus on the words, the way he moves his lips. He’s got the kind of lips you love, all swollen and red like he bit them to plump them up. Focus on the way he draws out his S’s. Ever so slightly. That’s important to remember. God now the fucking itch is going right down my leg, it’s following the line of the ripped nylon all the way down to the foot. Being a woman is so fucking exhausting sometimes. Three ex girlfriends for dear Ryan, the rest of the liaisons in the form of one night stands. But he’s tired, looking for something new, something more permanent. Something different. And he’s clean. Squeaky clean. Tested two weeks ago clean. History of disease in the family? Shit, too soon for that question. Rein it in Muriel, don’t make those red lips frown. Make it about kids. I love kids, right? I want ten…no? Okay two. One boy, one girl. Good. Those teeth are back. So straight. Unnaturally straight. Must be braces. I wonder what it will feel like to lick them? There I go getting ahead of myself again.
Smile Ryan. Holy shit she’s hot, and I can’t stop talking, I don’t know why I can’t stop talking, just shut up and ask something about her, girls like that right? They like a guy who can listen, understand them, don’t just want to rip their clothes off and see what’s underneath. I bet there’s some good stuff under there, skin of the smoothest variety. Shit. Mind out of gutter bud. Take a sip of coffee, it’ll buy you some time. But she keeps asking all these questions, I have to answer them right? It’s rude if I don’t answer them right? She’s so interested she’s leaning forward and her tits are just right there on the table. I’m going to hell. I’m supposed to be asking her questions and all I’m doing is fucking staring at her tits and talking my face off. What a dick. She’s doesn’t seem to mind though. She’s a good listener. She reminds me of Haley. God Haley was fucking great, you really fucked that one up bud. But this one is here, now and you don’t have to fuck her up. I mean fuck it up. Fuck,
Okay okay. Travel. I can do this. I bet she’s more travelled than I am, she looks worldly. Like she’s been all over the place doing stuff hot women do in foreign countries. Yeah she has a worldly look to her, a bit tired. Like me—the tired not the worldly. Maybe we have something in common. God I fucking hope we have something in common because I want this to be something. Don’t wanna end up like Dad with his goddamn third wife—a stick figure with huge cans. Those things are so big they can’t be real. I wonder if Dad paid for them? He would, it’d be just like him. Haley…fuck…I mean Muriel doesn’t need a tit transplant, she’s looking good in that department, looking good in every department actually.
Ryan. Dude. You. Have. Got. To. Stop. Talking. Ask her a question. What do you do for a living? Say it out loud bud. WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING? There, nice one. So she’s in between jobs, thinking about school. Good. Worldly, hot and a desire for education. Nice. Sip coffee. Eyes not tits. Haley couldn’t stand it when I looked at her tits when she was talking. I don’t blame her I guess, it’s just a problem that I have. Dick in mouth disease. I bet Muriel hates it too. Look up Ryan. Look at the way she moves her lips. She’s got nice lips. And the way she slides a little on her S. It’s so familiar. Have I met her before? Oh God have I fucked her before?
Jesus Ryan, why did you have to tell her you were clean? Now she’s gonna think that’s all you want. What’s that look in her eyes? Did you fuck it up? Is she smiling, or grimacing? That’s a smile, I think. There’s a nod. In the clear. Fuck you’re dumb bud…wait…what? Family history of disease? What the fuck? Oh. Kids. Right. Girls like kids. I like kids too I guess. I mean, propagate the species and everything right? Right? Could have made it all the way to kids with Haley, but I’m not thinking of Haley. I’m thinking of Muriel. Muriel is here and she’s smiling and licking her teeth…that’s a good sign right?
Deep breath Muriel. Put your hand on his hand. He’s left it there for long enough, like an invitation. It’s warm. Warmer than expected. Oh my God he’s blushing, how cute. He’s probably embarrassed, boys like Ryan get embarrassed over first date hand touching. Can’t be the first one to make the move. Yup, he looks embarrassed. Regretful? It’s not like I’ve committed to anything, just a little hand on hand. I miss big, warm hands. My hands are so fucking small. I miss other things too, not just hands. Body hair, dick, easy strength. It’s been too long.
Who is this girl he’s talking about? Haley? High school sweetheart, how nice. Long history blah blah. He’s hung right up on this girl. Not a huge deal. A bit annoying though. Nothing I have to really worry about. She’s living in Nicaragua now, feeding orphans or something. You know this guy thinks he’s one thing, but he’s really something else completely. Isn’t that always the way? I like someone I can work with though, someone I can open up, dig around in a little, mix things up. He’s been on the edge for ages and I bet everyone knows it, everyone’s waiting for him to do something crazy; maybe run away to Nicaragua and feed some orphans, maybe steal Daddy’s new wife and take off to Paris to eat baguettes and cheese. It’s gotta be something cliché with Ryan. He’s just that kind of guy. Unoriginal. A blank slate. Perfect.
Stage two. Rubbing hands. Simulates sex in a non-threatening way. Gets him primed. God this place reeks. Our clothes are going to stink of coffee. I wish he’d ordered herbal tea. I don’t like stained teeth. I should take off my nylons. Maybe my underwear too. I think he’s the one and he’s gotta go all in for me to go all out. Smile, nod, stand. No, no, what a gentleman! You sit. Don’t worry, I’ll be back in two shakes of a lamb’s tail. He likes when I say cute things about lamb’s tails. Smiles really wide, maybe it reminds him of Haley the high school sweetheart? She was probably a goodie goodie.
Hi there Muriel. Looking good, despite the streaky mirror. A little worn around the edges maybe. Guys like the tired look though, they think it makes girls look experienced. Most of them don’t want really want virgins, because who doesn’t want a little experience in the sack? Fuck these nylons. I won’t miss them. They look like a layer of sloughed skin in the garbage. Gross. Fuck these panties too. A thong is like wearing a wedgie. I won’t miss you either you little fuckers. Oh my God that’s better. So liberating. Onto phase three. He’s the one, I can just feel it. I have a good sense of people. Nikki included. Donkey sex and laziness aside she’s honest. I guess I’ll miss her a bit, but not really. She was generally good, but not worth pursuing. Not like Ryan. Ryan is on the cusp and people on the cusp are the best. They’re ready to take off one way or another and that’s the most exciting point in life. That’s the golden zone.
Smile Muriel, he’s watching you walk. Shake your ass a little. This skirt is S-H-O-R-T. Women wear ridiculous clothes sometimes. I might as well be naked, and from the way he’s smiling I think he’d like that. Lean over and kiss his cheek all slow like. Perfect. There’s that blush again. And he’s biting his lip. Lovely.
Holy fuck bud. She took her underwear off. Definitely her nylons, but like ninety-nine point nine percent her underwear too. I can tell. One of my many fine skills. She’s sold on you bud. She doesn’t give a shit that you’re talking your face off. She’s biting her lip and it’s so hot. She wants you bad. She smells like Haley too. Fuck, that’s sick man. Not cool. One at a time. If Dad taught you anything it’s one at a time. Women don’t like to share. I don’t blame her…I mean them. I don’t blame them. Who wants to share? We’re all just a bunch of selfish monkeys aren’t we? Mine. Mine. Mine. Like Dad. His house is his, his money’s his, his little fucking world is all his, his, his. Fuck him. I should have screwed Sheila when I had the chance. Ah Sheila, stick wife number three with big cans. Not cool Ryan. Chill out man. Muriel’s holding your hand again and doing that rubbing thing. You gotta say something. Ask her something. What do you ask a person? What’s the meaning of life? Do you want to get married? Do you want to fuck off to Paris or something? Should I run away and find Haley in Nicaragua? No. Not cool, they don’t like to share. Haley didn’t want to share me and I don’t blame her.
If you could go back in time and change one thing what would it be? There’s a question. Ask it. Ask yourself asshole. You know what you would change, you just don’t want to admit it. Smile now Ryan. Muriel’s talking about things she would change because of course you asked the question, that’s what a good date does right? Forget about Haley. She’s long gone and she doesn’t want to see you ever again bud. You screwed the pooch on that one. It’s over. It’s Muriel now. A fight with her roommate today. Ordering an herbal tea instead of a Frappucchino. She really lives in the moment. It’s sad that we all have these fucking regrets though. Why can’t we just grow up? Give up all the bullshit. Get our shit together.
Maybe Muriel’s here to help me get my shit together. She’s got her hand in mine and she’s biting her lip and all I can think is that I have this choice. Muriel or Haley. It’s not a fucking choice though is it dude? You cleared that right up when you banged Lilly in Haley’s bed after the Spring Fling. Not. Fucking. Worth. It. Lilly was hot and everything, but she wasn’t Haley was she? Focus bud, check it out, Muriel has blue eyes. A nice clear blue, kind of cold though. Like ice cubes. Not Haley green. I can’t believe that’s a fucking colour, but it is. Haley green. It’s everywhere too. Every green has a bit of Haley green in it, doesn’t it? So maybe every girl has a bit of Haley in her. Muriel must. Nose? No. Eyes? No. Lips? No. Voice. Nope. No Haley. But she’s full up on Muriel and she’s got these small, soft hands that would feel perfect wrapped around my dick…shit…I’m such an asshole.
This is it Muriel babe. Time for the magic. He’s hesitating and that just won’t do. There’s a problem in his head, in his eyes. He’s fighting with himself in there, but it’s your job to make it really fucking easy. The easiest decision he ever has to make. Scooch over. Take that big warm hand of his and stick it right between your legs. Ha! That got his attention, didn’t it? He doesn’t look so conflicted now. He looks good. Shining eyes, straight teeth. Not too long until you can feel them with your tongue. Let’s go back to my place. You like that idea don’t you Ryan? Nikki won’t mind, she’d better not anyway. I’ll kill her if she ruins this for me. This is the one. They all have issues, sure, but there are only a handful I would trust and I trusted Ryan right off the bat.
Jesus fuck it’s cold out here. No nylons, no panties, wind just ripping through everything. You’re an idiot for not bringing a coat Muriel. But not to fear, a real gentleman is here. And they say chivalry is dead. I won’t take it though. No sense draining his heat. Every little thing counts now. Don’t look so sad that I rejected your chivalry Ryan, you’re too perfect to mess with. Besides my apartment is conveniently located two blocks from the coffee shop. A short jaunt. A little fresh air is good for the complexion.
My dress reeks of coffee. The hall reeks of garbage. Not ideal, but no worries, it’ll all be worth it. He’s worth it. I can tell by the look on his face this guy has never seen such squalor. He’s unaccustomed to this shit. His licence says he lives in Yorkville, very prestigious, probably a condo. I fucking hate condos, too small, but so clean and new and they usually have pools. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a swim. I bet it’s salinated too—no chlorine for condo dwellers in Yorkville.
Holy shit his tongue is in my mouth. Aggressive. I like it. Up against the wall. Nikki’s not home. All the lights are out and I’m up against the wall and there he is. Unzipped and straight inside. He doesn’t even ask nicely. You see what they’re really made of when all the lights are out. That’s fine. That’s good. I like all the stuff he’s made of. A solid shaft of Ryan up and in and up and in.
Don’t move Muriel. Close your eyes. Concentrate. You have one chance and a man like this doesn’t come around often. Deep breath Muriel. Wrap your legs around his stomach, let him in. Don’t fight it. Don’t fight anything. Lick his ear. Tastes like pomade. Suck his fingers. Run your tongue along those perfect Daddy’s-got-the-big-bucks post-braces teeth. Grab his ass, feel him tense those big man muscles. Sculpted to perfection in his condo gym. Don’t make a sound because this isn’t about you, this is about him and Daddy’s wife maybe? No it’s gotta be Haley. The one that got away. He doesn’t want to see your face, hear your voice, he wants to see her face, hear her voice. Just let him have it, because that’s the last he’ll get. The last he’ll ever get. Just one more minute. Wait for it Muriel. Wait for it. Now. Go babe. Don’t look back. You deserve all of him. And he deserves all of you.
What the fuck is that pounding? Shit, it’s the door and I’m on the bed. How the fuck did I get onto the bed? Muriel. Shit. Ugh shut the fuck up with the banging! Must be Nikki. Muriel warned me about her. Donkey sex, ha! What the fuck does Nikki want? God I feel weird. Bad. Really if I admit it I feel really fucking bad. Like I’ve given up on Haley again. It’s stupid but I felt like I had the chance to turn it all around at the coffee shop last night. The choice was there, I could have bought a one way ticket to Nicaragua and searched the whole damn country for her. But here I am in Muriel’s bed. Why isn’t she answering the door? She’s right here beside me…right? No. Shit, that’s my leg. My leg? No. That’s her leg. What the fuck? It’s my leg. Goddamn. We must have gotten really drunk last night and shaved my legs. It’s been known to happen. Kevin pranked me good in senior year. Shaved every last bit of me. But the joke was on that asshole ‘cause I actually liked it. Wait. We didn’t get drunk last night. WOULD YOU STOP FUCKING BANGING NIKKI? I shouldn’t yell at some chick I don’t know, but I kind of don’t care right now. We went to a coffee shop, Muriel took off her underwear and we fucked against the wall by the front door then…then what? Did she shave my legs in my sleep? Just get up and open the door bud. Deal with this crazy banging bitch Nikki. God I feel weird and bad and where the fuck is Muriel?
What the fuck? Why is Nikki calling me Muriel? I’m not Muriel you crazy twat. I fucked Muriel. You’re naked dude. Put on some clothes, she’s looking at your dick. No clothes. What the fuck? No clothes, no wallet, no keys, no Muriel. And no…dick. DUDE CHILL. You’re fucking dreaming. Don’t puke, this is just a dream. You went home and went to sleep and today you’re gonna buy a ticket and fly off to find Haley. You made the right choice.
So why is that Nikki bitch calling you Muriel and telling you to plunge the toilet? God this place is a shit hole and you’ve got no dick, no clothes, no wallet, no keys and a mighty set of cans. Big, nice, round tits. This is definitely a dream. Just go back to sleep and when you wake up you’ll be on a plane. Ignore donkey sex girl. Just fucking ignore her, she’s not real, just shut the door and go back to bed. Now. Don’t look back. You deserve another hour or two of sleep, you deserve every minute you can get because today’s the day you start fresh.